20100617 prcjlogrb 20100617 the still watchful self

17/06/2010 prcjlogrb 20100617 the still watchful self

Index

Invocation by Richard; J absent

P I seem to be getting some words, and it's been consequent I think upon the visualisation internally of the still, watchful self that seems to have such a quality of stillness as if it's permanently in that condition.

^The identification of the still, watchful self is a stage in the progression towards dis-identification with the personality constructed during the current life. The still watchful self is not human in the sense of being the embodied consciousness. It is an aspect and only an aspect of the spiritual identity, constantly engaged in attending towards the embodied identity and that component of the self coalesced with that. The still, watchful self is the residual identity situated permanently within the spiritual domain, attendant for the duration of the life towards its embodied aspect most of the time. The still, watchful self is an aspect of the tan tien, in the sense that it is viewed through that as comprising the centre of the spiritual aspect within the embodied form, and thereby operating as a conduit into the frequency domain of spirit. When that is identified as an aspect of the core being, the core self, the spiritual identity exclusive of the physical form, then the dis-identification with the psychological construct, the emotional construct, the physical brain, the social mind of the grown organism, has proceeded far. The extent to which that can be detected, identified clearly for what it is, seen as the core of the identity and simply accepted as such, then the possibility commences of an easy death transition while remaining consciously alert and aware.

It is for that reason that it is a traditional goal of spiritual practice, yet not normally attained by intention, rather attained by developed awareness.

So we come on this occasion to articulate these things for the benefit of those participants present and future in this small gathering. Precisely because it is not a goal to be striven for but simply recognised on its arrival, this is a very late commentary in the activities of this group. So therefore hold it not as an objective but something to be acknowledged when one finds that centre point of stillness as if a permanent feature of the inner landscape. Something to be located and acknowledged but not grasped as either a desired state or object, merely recognised for what it constitutes. …

R My mind keeps wandering but when I bring it back I see/have seen /thought I saw somebody over your left shoulder before. There's somebody over to my right, but I haven't seen anything else.

P Where have your thoughts been going?

R All over the place. To work, family and a whole range of things, with moments of stillness in there. And when you were channelling about the tan tien being the location of the still, small – ah …

P Yeah, whatever it was? ;-)

R The connection with the essential spiritual aspect; I could kind of feel that there, I was aware of a sensation.

P Mm! (yes, I also felt that clearly as if a ball of energy in my abdomen, clearly distinguishable as separate from the physical body)

R I'm not entirely sure I was aware of the connection.

P Have you ever identified those kind of sensations as connected to the tan tien and its meaning in that context?

R No. I've been aware of chakras, I've never really been very clear about where the tan tien is.

P No. No, nor have I. Yes, feeling it gives another whole level of connection, doesn't it, and certainty of identification.

R And I'm certainly aware of the observer self. I'm not sure whether it's the same thing, whether the observer self is the intellectual part.

P Yes.

R Whereas the - I can't remember what the term was -

P No! (nor could I)

R - but that was the connection, kind of eternal connection point to the divine.

P The permanent spiritual aspect of the identity.

R Mm.

P Good. How about you, Heidi?

H At one stage I saw a young man in what used to be the golf trousers, we used to call them Plus-fours. Yeah, you know the term?

P Yep.

H And the matching jacket and shirt in a sort of a brownish check, very distinctive. And a reddish tie; and it wasn't very big, I mean the picture I saw was very small. It must have been [in the] '40's, I think, when the fashion was there. I said to him to either go and talk to Peter or Richard if he wanted anything because I didn't really know. And then my wrists started to ache, and I saw as if it was on the water where there was fast boat and a spray of water and I had a distinct impression that's where he had been.

P Water skiing!

H But he didn't say anything or make anything else known. But I can still see him and I think he wants to be acknowledged.

P Good! I wonder whether that's related to - on Tuesday, I think it was, I walked around my usual circuit through the cemetery and I felt directed to look into an old area, and where I was featured mostly deaths in 1938, so it was an old section of the cemetery. And I had the impression that there was somebody down there. I didn't see them clearly, but eventually I just said “OK, come along on Thursday night.” And so that could be that character perhaps. It was odd, as having stood there – I mean it was very pleasant in the sunshine on that day looking down across that section of the cemetery and as soon as I issued that invitation I just carried on walking because I guess the acknowledgement had been made and the invitation had been issued, so “that's that, keep on walking!” OK, so that's interesting, that's good to see.

I was much taken up with the impressions that I have had during some of the sustained Vipassana meditations, [of] seeing the internal screen, which seems only to be perceivable in itself rather than the imagery generated within it, when in it's so close to portraying nothing, that – it's as if there's like a television screen structured of many lines progressing horizontally, and that's constructed of course with a raster scan and sequential line generation. This appears to be some hundreds of presumably sense data representations, and when it is sufficiently still it develops the qualities of a kind of reflectance, with a particular pale tan colour. And it's just a blank screen. And I've seen it like that on several occasions. I've seen a completely minimal residual excitation on it when I'm seeing it not quite fully blank or quiescent, and there's a peculiar kind of jagged structure to the – as if there's a construct of a 3 dimensional representation of something that's going on in the awareness. But of course ordinarily, I think that's what we kind of look – what our external perceptions are mapped on to, effectively, so it's the inner screen of the outer perception by which we interact with the world. Really interesting! But I've seen almost no discussion of that in any of the literature on perception. I probably just haven't found it. I read a discussion once of Buddhist knowledge of that. But I think it constitutes the mind's eye?

R Right.

P Yeah. So that's what's been going through my mind [earlier in the meditation].

R When you say internal screen and mind's eye, do you mean when you close your eyes and visualise something, that's what you see? Or are you talking about something else?

P No, it's that and the means by which we ordinarily interact with the world through our visual perception. It constitutes – when our eyes are open we are flooded with perceptions and it is all knitted together into a coherent image of external reality. And this idea 'do we see directly, or do we see in a mediated way?' I think that is the means of mediation, if you like. It's so very complex! I'm sure each line of representation in that is controlled by multiple sense inputs in its own right, or whatever. And there is a phrase 'the mirror of perception, I think? And I think that that would constitute, it would be what I was seeing under those conditions.

R Mm-mm.

P And by about the 5th day out of 9-10 days one can perhaps see that, particularly in one of the advanced sessions where it gets so quiet, so still, because everybody else is competent and very still within themselves and you start to be able to see deeply within the functioning of the mind. Mm, really interesting! And having a curiosity about all that, perception generally and the representation of that within the perceptual field and how that is achieved and all that sort of stuff, I've paid attention to that. And I've spoken to one or two other people, and they said “oh yes”, they had reached that stage as well, perhaps on that particular day or another day. And amongst very experienced meditators it just seems to be known about, but outside of that community or conversation it's not spoken of much.

R So it's a matter of the terminology used whether you can find it.

P I expect so, yes. Yes, there's been a lot more serious in depth respect for serious longterm meditators in recent years so I expect it's discussed but I just haven't been looking in wherever it's discussed. But otherwise if you encounter that sort of description, you can't understand what's really being referred to. So I'm not quite sure why that's been on my mind, but it has.

R Sounds like something to explore.

P It could be. I've had persistently cold feet and the floor's not hot, but I think it might be appropriate to pay attention to our friend here. So is he still in your awareness, Heidi?

H Yes. Not as clearly but he's still there.

P Good! As you perceive him, are you having any background awarenesses? You've mentioned your sore wrists and the spray of water?

H Yes.

P So that could be something to do perhaps with a mode of dying or something associated with him, because you don't have sore wrists, do you?

H Not both of them, no. I mean both of them were hurting.

P Any emotional qualities that come with that that seem associated with him that you can connect to?

H I think I got the impression that his name was Daffyd.

P David?

H The Welsh 'Daffyd'. They pronounce it slightly differently. No, he wasn't terribly confused or upset, just slightly, so just bewildered, as if an impression of 'now what?' But he didn't take me up on the suggestion that he talk to you, or you, Richard.

P Mm-mm. Well, you've got him. He's come to you.

H He doesn't say anything!

P No. Mm-mm. So were I to put the question to him through your awareness, I might say “are you aware of yourself as somebody who has died and perhaps quite a long time ago?”

H He's gone!

P (laughs) That's interesting!

R You've scared him off, Peter ;-)

P Yes ;-)

H Sorry about that.

P Was he suddenly just not there, or did you actually see him move?

H Yeah. No, he's just not there. He was there (gestures) and even with my eyes open I had a feeling he was there. And I closed my eyes and he's gone! I don't know whether he'll want to come back.

P He might have just moved, 'cause I've got a feeling in front of me that I didn't have before. Do you have any perceptions, Richard?

R Not anything I'm sure about, but I have a feeling he's ready to speak to you.

P Ah. OK. Well I certainly welcome him and am happy to talk for him. Ohh yes, the big chill is moving up my legs! (laughs) I never know how much to trust the kind of internal exclamations that I sometimes get which are so characteristically foreign in some sense, but I had the kind of exclamation “oh, begorrah and begosh, it feels strange to be inside a body again!” Well, that's kind of Scots, I would have thought?

R+H Irish.

P Irish? Really?

R+H Begorrah and begosh, yes.

P OK. Oh damn, looks like he's not a Kiwi but an import. I have trouble with these funny voices. I never really know whether to trust them. Anyway. So he says:

I It was a pleasure to be sittin in the sun with ya the other day, an I was very pleased to be invited here, so here I am! An I be wantin ta be askin some questions, coz me time seems ta have come to be movin on, and I look to ye to help me with that.

R We welcome your questions and we'll answer as best we can.

I Thank you, me man!

H Thank you for trusting us.

I The questions begin with the one which is “to where now?” Because I been in a strange place. I seen the seasons come and the seasons go, an the seasons are not so strong in this place (compared to his homeland) where I was at the time I left your land. But there must ha been somethin wrong with what I thought would happen, because I think it's a wee while since then.

R Do you recall the year that you died, the year that you left?

I Well I'm thinkin it were '42, but I're not really sure, now. But it were a comfortable life then, an I could play the way I wanted, coz I had a bit 'o cash from the old country.

R Right. It's now 70 years later.

I Ohh, deary deary!

R What do you wish to do now?

I Well I'm thinkin there's somewhere I should go to, if that's the case. Now I've heard the stories of the Church, and I was always a wee bit uncertain – sceptical, like, and I thought they just wanted me money, so I've been just hanging in quietly, watching, waiting, thinking if there were any truth to them stories, somebody ought to show up soon. Well, the 'soon' has kind of stretched out far enough, so I think there might be something to them stories or there might not, but maybe it's for me to decide one way or the other, or at least to say to somebody, if I could find somebody, and I seem to find somebody - “what next? What do I do now? Where do I go? What am I supposed to see, and who's to take me?”

R Well in all probability you are ready to move on to the next stage. It sounds like you're ready and willing.

I Well I'm just puzzled, actually. I'm just really puzzled, and I want to talk to somebody who knows something!

R Would you like a guide to take you through to the next stage?

I Sure!

R And who would you like that to be. If there was somebody from your past that you would really like to see and who you would like to act as your guide, who would that be?

I Well I don't have anybody in mind, because I never really thought that any of those fellas who were standin up an proclaiming actually knew very much. So they might say they did, but I never really thought they did, because it seemed to come from a book of this or a book of that, and they were just saying what they read. An I thought “you don't really know.” So what I want is someone who really knows.

R Right. How about somebody that you remember that you loved and that you could reach out with your thoughts to? Who would …

I Well you see, there's nobody that I remember who had the kind of qualities of confident certainty that I think is applicable to my situation, or would satisfy me. So that's me problem, I think, that I'm ruling out everyone I've ever known as being ignorant, biased, contaminated in their world-view, as one might say these days, and to be trusted! So I'm not a really trusting kind o character, you see, and for all I know, that might be just a problem for me that I've made and I'm not sure about that, but I'm willing to ask the question. So there it is.

R Well I think you have made it a little difficult for yourself, but I suspect that there is somebody from your past that you would like to see. And that that somebody, if you summoned them, would come and perhaps guide you through the next stage. Who would you like to see.

I Oh, perhaps there is a fella that comes to mind. He was a little old fella that hung around the back o the church in the Shire that I used to live in part of the time, an he always struck me to be an unassuming kind of man, but gentle with it, and I heard him talking to a few people, I didn't talk to him personally, but he seemed to actually know. When I look back on it now, I think “well if there was anybody, perhaps – him.”

R Do you remember his name?

P (out of role briefly) I've got a personal difficulty because the name that came was Gerry Adams, and I immediately think Gerry Adams, wasn't he a Prime minister or something? So I'm questioning that.

R He was head of Shein Fein or something like that.

H There would have been other Gerry Adams.

R I'm sure of that, yes. So perhaps if you look upwards and expect to see some light and keep this person in mind as if you were calling him. Can you cast you're gaze upwards and see what you can see, is there some light there that seems to be beckoning?

I I have a wall of greyness around me. So unless it were transparent and I could see a shadow, then no.

R Mm. The path to the next stage seems to be a path of light and it is a path of light and love and I believe it leads you through to the next stage and an understanding of where you are and where you are at and what is to happen next. So perhaps if you are ready to move on, look intently for that light.

I I'm thinking that it's outside, an maybe I'm inside, an maybe I need to get outside. Oh!!

R And how will you get outside?

I Well that were very odd! The grey wall vanished!

R Mm-mm. And what can you see?

I It's very big! It's mostly empty. I see three people sitting just over there, but – are you one of them?

R Quite possibly. Maybe three other people?

I Why don't you fall?

R Mm, I don't know the answer to that, but we're sitting, if it's us that you're seeing, we're simply sitting.

T Coz there's no floor.

R Ahh.

I In fact it's quite peculiar!

R Look around further and tell me what you see?

I It's very big.

R Look for some light and maybe Gerry Adams coming towards you?

I I guess I'm happy to take my time, an … it's very big!

R What's your perception, Heidi?

H He's not too sure. Not trusting. I don't know whether the man he knew is – the old man Gerry. If our friend can see him or connect with him and ask him to walk with him – (he could say) you can always go back if you don't like it; just come along and let's go and have a look.

R How's that, friend?

P (out of role) It's very odd. I've got the feeling of this character, that he has become immobile again, just overawed by the circumstance that he suddenly finds himself in, apparently floating in the middle of the sky!! Naturally kind of still stuck with the impression that if you're in the middle of the sky then your gonna fall! And that might be the death o you! So I think he's become frightened again at the unfamiliarity and just needing to take whatever time it might take to reorient his expectations to be able to accept this situation that he's suddenly confronted with that he wasn't at all prepared for, to find something so radically foreign.

H Is there anything he can think of that would make him feel comfortable or more secure, that we could provide?

I A floor could be good! … Oh!

H Just look down and see you've got a floor.

I There's a yellow floor.

H Do you want yellow or another colour.

I The floor is what matters. So you guys look as though you are sitting on chairs on the floor, and that yawning gulf beneath … Ohh! Oh, there's a risk in going down, y'see, coz that connected to the horror stories!

R He certainly seems to understand that he's dead and in transition, but not willing to move just yet.

P Well to be at risk of falling is to connect to the imagery of hell and the prospect of hell-fire and damnation, and god help us if you want to go there!!! So it produced instant panic, I think, and paranoia about doing anything, let alone anything that might precipitate that sudden descent into fearsome places. So I think that he was conditioned young enough to have those fears in him. This is very odd, kind of speaking in both roles at once! It's quite strange.

H Mm! Is there anything that he can remember from when he was little that would give him a bit of comfort?

I Oh the floor gives a lot of comfort!!!

H Oh, comfort! Is there a toy or a garment or a cuddly rug or anything that would make him feel a bit more at home, comfortable, secure? Because we could give him that.

R Or is there a person who would make him feel more secure?

P What I'm feeling in my body is as if a condition of severe shock. Which is the root of the immobilisation. And I haven't found the key to moving through that yet.

R Mm. I think we need to assure him that he's not destined for hell and that he is safe and that when he is ready, someone will come and take him by the hand and guide him through to the next stage which will be very much more to his liking. It is not necessary to be fearful.

P There seems to be a very slow relaxation happening.

R The only thing to fear is fear itself. There is in fact nothing that can physically harm you, and everything to gain.

I Oohh, I were awful worried! I were awful, awful worried! I thought me number were up, an … phew! I thought I was going down!!

R No. You have everything to gain from looking up and going towards the light, welcoming contact with whoever comes to greet you. It will be a source of great joy to you, a welcome home, something that you've been long for.

I Do you mind if I join with you for a wee minute? I just feel like getting across that gap between where I am and where you are, and to be right in amongst you might help me feel better, and I'm just not sure how to get across that gap. How do you travel in this space?

R By thought.

I So you mean you think, to be somewhere?

R And have the expectation of being there.

I Well there I am then! Ohh, that were easy!!!

H Mm, good, isn't it!

I Now you mean if I think …

R And expect that you will go to the next level where you will be welcomed, and travel towards the light …

I Well, you see, there's no light. It's just all kind of grey. No shadows, it's very strange, but … Ohh!

R Perhaps think 'light!'. Just as you thought yourself into this space, think yourself into the next space and expect to be there, into a place of light, love and acceptance and reassurance and safety and with people welcoming you. A place where you'll be known and loved and helped.

H When you were young there was somebody who was very kind to you. If you think of that person, you might be with them.

I It were a long time ago! I've not thought of those times for such a long time. In fact I tried to forget them.

H Good things never die, they're always there.

I Even though we had a bit o money, it were a hard life, an you had to behave by the rules. And there was always somebody to give you another rule! And that – it were not warm. So I don't connect easily to the warm and loving things that you speak of.

H Just think of somebody who was quietly kind to you, realising it was difficult for you. Was there anybody who was like that? A gardener … ?

I There were a wee girl that I played with when I was just a nipper. She were only three. Just a wee lass. She liked me and I liked her.

R What was her name?

I Jessica.

R Well maybe Jessica will come and welcome you. Look around for the light and for Jessica. See if she comes.

I Well it's really interesting, because suddenly I see her grown up. She's a gorgeous girl, and smiling, golden hair, gorgeous lassie! I'll be on my way.

R OK. Go well.

H So nice that we've met you.

P Ohh, Goddamn!! He was a funny one!

H He's gone?

P Yeah. He just disconnected.

R He ended up speaking more Scottish sorts of words, just 'bonny lassie, etc”.

P Yeah, I don't know [the difference between Scots and Irish phrasing].

R Well done, Peter. You've got the split personality down to a fine art ;-)

P (laughs uproariously in release of tension)

H It makes so much sense from when I saw him! So well dressed! And it was so important to be well dressed! But quite alone and isolated but bewildered and confused.

P It was funny [strange] that condition of shock. It's like he wasn't going to go anywhere.

H It was like he had been told once too often what to do.

P Thank you Richard, that was helpful. And to identify that – they were just little kids! Doing something, playing in the grass or something, I've no idea. The little girl was dressed all in white. I think he was just a little kid in shorts, or something. But the feeling that was able to be connected to was of really gentle cosy fun. No expectations, just a little, quiet cosy time in a summers afternoon, perhaps, who knows. And that was the key. And then suddenly there was this golden-looking image of the mature version. It was lovely!

R It was good, Heidi to take him back to childhood and to childhood things.

P Yeah, that worked really well. I didn't expect it to, so I was surprised when that scene came to me. It took him a little while to find that, I think.

H Well his life was so isolated, lonely with a family that only gave rules and conditions. Although there was money there was no love lost. And then sometimes there is somebody, when the child is young and I was more thinking of a nanny or a scullery maid or gardener, just as an example, who was just feeling sorry for the kid and was willing to play or be friendly or give him a strawberry, or spare cookie, just to say “you'll be alright, boy.” I was thinking there might have been somebody. I didn't think about a little playmate, but somebody who he connected with as being nice to him. His family was obviously just cold and weren't that interested.

R Peter, does it seem that typically the connection, the person who comes or greets or whatever, is a person they have a strong emotional connection to rather than an intellectual one?

P Oh, I think so!

R So he was looking for Gerry Adams as he was a person who would know a thing or two?

P The combination of those two, I think, somebody who was gentle enough that he wouldn't need to be afraid of being critiqued or told what to do again, but had enough of that empathic warmth to relate to. But he didn't turn up.

R And who knows, he may be still wandering around too. ;-)

P Well indeed :-)

H It might just be somebody that he recollected from his past, and he thought I perceive him as a nice person but I've never actually made that connection. But he did with that little girl, with Jessica. So I found that is the link, somebody they related to.

P I never quite know whether the names have much reality to them or whether it's an accurate naming process or just indicative or representative somehow?

R I wonder whether putting a name to it makes a stronger connection?

P I think so, yes, well that's our ordinary social key, isn't it. Eg., who are you talking about? Oh, that one, I know the name. And the whole personality and identity springs to perception with the name.

H It is possible that the little girl wasn't called Jessica, but somebody in his family was called Jessica, like his mum, but she had let him down and he projected the name onto the girl, so the name meant something good to him and so did the girl, so whether they are connected or not, the two things …

R Reinforced each other.

H Right! [we can go] Back to the cemetery and see if he's gone?

P Mm. There's been a few. When I looked across that way that was the only identity I could perceive down there.

H Interesting that he wanted to come and join us.

P Yes, I think it was still that sense of social isolation. Like “here I am over here. There you are over there.” It sustained that sense of separateness and social isolation. It's funny, it was like a yellow vinyl floor :-) Just a mental construct, I guess. That's what it took [to enable him to move] It kind of normalised it towards the familiar physical reality. So he didn't need to be afraid.

H So he was no longer sitting in thin air.

R Well it could be just my imagination that we are there [or here ;-)]

P I think it depends on the level that you look on, because when I was starting out being curious about investigating spiritual space, I would visualise this platform, and there were searchlights, really really big lights shining out into the darkness, but also down onto the little bit of platform the size of a house or something. So I deliberately constructed that to have lights above and lights below and I could be on top looking up there or I could be underneath and somehow I didn't fall off when I was looking down. And with these bloody great searchlights illuminating the darkness so that I could see if there was anything out there or anything approaching. It took care of the fear to the extent that I had fear. And I used that for maybe a year or two until I didn't seem to need it any more. So that was kind of my personal staging post, my outpost into that reality. I remember doing that when I was living in the shed at the back behind Sanctum House when Patsy and I had a bedroom out there so that more students could be packed into the house, because that was her income stream.

Mm, well, that's taken far too long, it's nearly 9:30. I presume we are done.

R As far as I know.

P Yes I think so.

(closing not recorded)

[5501 words]

Events

  • --:-- prcjlogrb 20100617 the still watchful self

Peter Calvert - AgapeSchoolinz


Friday, 17 February 2017 (1)